Ms. Ruys is a former Peace Corps volunteer and has devoted a great deal of her time and energy to studying the phenomenon of discrimination and ways to overcome it. Here she shares a nine-step method that can help all people create concrete change and avoid destructive name-calling and denial of the problems in traditionally unequal relationships in which sexism, racism, homophobia, and similar "isms" prevail.
Ms. Ruys emphasized that change is difficult, expecially for those who don't see any reason for it. She suggested that we think about why we value diversity in order to motivate ourselves to take steps that can seem difficult. She shared these thoughts on the subject:
"In the United States, we have the richest mix of ethnic groups, of racial groups, of global experience that the world has ever known and it is the richness of this mix that yields our incredible creativity and innovation. We have not even begun to experience the real potential of our fantastic human resource mix -- our competitive edge in the global economy."
--John Naisbitt
"How unpleasing to the eye if all the flowers and plants, the leaves and blossoms, the fruits, the branches and the trees of that garden were all of the same shape and colour! Diversity of hues, form and shape, enricheth and adorneth the garden, and heightenth the effect thereof."
--Abdu'l-Baha
Traditionally unequal relationship are distructive to everyone -- both those on top, and those on the bottom.
Win-Lose relationships limit the development of individuals, limit relationships, friendships, and partnerships, and limit the accurate flow of perception and information. For architects, specifically, Win-Lose relationships limit the creativity and solutions of disign teams; limit the ability of teams to work together; and limit the ability to interact with clients and other professionals.
Here are some charateristics of Win-Lose relationships, seen from both sides:
The "winners"
The "losers"
The natural reaction to being traditionally "DOWN" is ANGER. Anger is like steam. It is a natural reaction to injustice. If suppressed it just builds up and can erupt at the first weak spot. It can be released in non-destructive ways, and can be channeled to produce gerat energy for change.
Most people who are traditionally more powerful are unaware. The initial reaction to growing awareness is painful. It involves feeling of guilt, fear of reprisals, sadness at the history of pain, anger at an unjust system, and a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that the problem is too large. So the next reaction is often to try to forget the issue, or to blame the victim, who is a reminder of the painful feelings.
The only solution is to believe that change can happen -- and start!
In Win-Win relationships:
Win-Win relationships are possible only if both sides believe in the value of an equal relationsip and work for it.
Adapted by Barbara Ruys from Shoghi Effendi, The Advent of Divine Justice.
The first five steps must be taken by members of the traditionally more powerful group. Steps six through nine are taken by members of the traditionally less powerful group.
Steps 1 - 5 (for members of the traditionally more powerful group such as men, whites, etc.)
1. Believe I can make a difference.
The problem is large and will not be solved quickly or easily. It will not be solved by the "other" group alone. Great love, patience, humility, tact and personal initiative are needed to make real change. Real change is possible, step by step.
2. Let go of any sense of superiority.
It is almost impossible to avoid having a sense of superiority which is learned and reinforced since childhood in powerful groups. Because it is very ingrained and often unconscious, it is difficult to see and let go of it. Guilt will not help the situation. Feeling of superiority can be mixed with feelings of inferiority and defensiveness.
3. Learn to recognize and stop any patronizing.
Find out what words and behavior are patronizing through books, videos, support groups, etc. Don't automatically expect members of the other group to be your educators about the issues. Practice eliminating patronizing words and behavior.
4. Demonstrate genuine friendship and sincere intentions.
This will probably require that you make the first step to reach out. It probably requires leaving your "comfort zone" to try informal, spontaneous association. New actions may not feel "natural" at first but will become comfortable with practice.
5. Have patience and understanding if the response if slow.
You may not get an immediate response because of past patterns of misunderstnding. Try not to be impatient at the lack of positive response. Don't be surprized to encounter anger, but try to listen without getting defensive, knowing that the anger is not necessarily personal.
Steps 6 - 9 (for members of the traditionally less powerful group, such as women, people of color, etc.)
6. Believe I can make a difference.
The problem is large and will not be solved quickly or easily. It will not be solved by the "other" group alone. Great love, patience, humility, tact and personal initiative are needed to make real change. Real change is possible, step by step.
7. Respond warmly.
A warm response encourages small steps to become larger steps.
8. Be willing to let go of the past.
It is very important to understand and learn from the past, but don't get caught in fear. Learn to let go of hurt and anger, and move forward.
9. Work on removing suspicion.
There may be many reasons for not trusting, but suspicion can craete self-fulfilling prophesies that can stop change.
For more information, questions or comments, please contact Barbara at: